Author's Note: This is intended as parody and satire only. I realize, however, that I tiptoe on the border of offensive so often that I sometimes lose my balance. If any member finds this offensive, please let me know via post or PM and I will be glad to take it down.
WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE
Given the “amaziing, fantastic, unbelievable” success, unbelievable success, of the recent audio-only press briefing, the White House Press Office (WHPO) has decided to diversify the communication formats and techniques for White House daily press briefings, which hereafter will be referred to only as “Kerfuffles” or “Covfefes.” The President believes that such variety in the conduct of Covfefes will improve the flow of information to the American people, enhance entertainment value and generate blockbuster ratings. Each Kerfuffle will commence with a five minute video featuring the “Trump Property of the Day” and “Tips to Make Americans’ Golf Swings Great Again.” Please note that, for reasons of National Security, all responses to questions asked during Kerfuffles will be encrypted and/or encoded. Decryption/decoding keys and Captain Crunch decoder rings (when appropriate) will be furnished to those news outlets deemed not to be purveyors of Fake News.
So reporters can prepare properly, the new Covfefes will rotate among the following communication formats/techniques for responses to questions from the press: encrypted sign language, encrypted braille (in Russian only, so reporters should brush up on their Cyrillic Alphabet), encoded vocal sounds, e.g., bips, beeps, burps, whistles, yelps and yodels, encrypted Morse Code, encoded signaling flags, encoded smoke signals (in compliance with the applicable Fire Code), and encoded Hula dancing. The WHPO also will employ the following novel formats in responding to reporters’ questions: encoded whale sounds and encoded music played on a variety of instruments by a group of five very, very precocious chimpanzees (“The Trumpees,” as in “Hey, hey we’re the Trumpees!”). During Comicon Kerfuffles will be conducted in the following languages: Klingon, Valyrian and the President’s personal favorite, Newspeak. For Covfefes held via the internet responses will be given using encrypted memes, emojis and tweets.
On rare occasions, such as a day on which Kim Jong Un does not launch a missile or execute someone, Covfefes will be held by the TrumpMups (White House Muppets) and responses will be given in a new, neo-English language, “Sesame Speak.” Finally, each year on National Mime Day, Press Secretary Spicey, er, Spicer will conduct a Kerfuffle in a special format (illustration below):
https://youtu.be/EXMk24kYWxw