The Reality Buzz
Open Floor => Post Games => Topic started by: ponytail on November 20, 2014, 09:48:45 AM
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Time for a new category! please put down your favorite terrible jokes......
Here's one:
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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And another one:
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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The Prankster has more than a few jokes about lawyers:
Why do lawyers make better test subjects than rats? There are some things even a rat won't do.
Why did God create lawyers? To make used car salesmen feel good about themselves.
How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
Stay tuned.......
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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What happens to an Eskimo who sits on the ice for too long?
Polaroids.
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The Prankster is in the process of making Ponytail regret ever starting this topic.
What does one get when one crosses an all-time great male singer with an all-time great physicist?
Frankeinstein
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If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate claus. :smiley_confused1:
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-rollinglaugh- Now that is terrible! Both of you!
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The old woman who lived in a shoe also had many dogs; they lived in a Hush Puppy.
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:smiley_confused1:
Q: What is Santa's favorite pizza?
A: One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
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Has anyone heard about the new Christmas horror move starring Frosty the Snowman and Dracula? It's called "Frostbite."
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Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
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-rollinglaugh-
A three-legged cowboy dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw."
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What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A puddle ! -duh-
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A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
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-rollinglaugh-
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
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Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
Were the chickens in a fugue?
What does one of Santa's helpers do when he suffers a loss of elf esteem?
He reads elf help books.
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:72:
What's a good holiday tip?
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter
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-rollinglaugh-
This joke is dedicated to the lovably ribald Snowbird:
What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snowballs
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Why weren’t there any nativity scenes in Washington D.C.?
They couldn’t find three wise men.
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This joke is dedicated to Cookie Monster:
What says Oh! Oh! Oh!?
Santa walking backwards.
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What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?
“Do I have to eat my Brussel sprouts?â€
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Oi! -rollinglaugh-
Did anyone hear about the elf who made 80% of the Christmas toys for Santa
He was a do-it-your-elfer.............Stop throwing things! :banghead: :banghead:
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For the past 20 years Sarge has put up Xmas decorations with the assistance of only one small helper. Just me, my elf, and I.
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-rollinglaugh-
(http://funnystack.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Funny-Christmas-65.jpg)
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-rollinglaugh-
Twas the Night Before Christmas (Attorney's Version)
WHEREAS on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a certain dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and
WHEREAS the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and
WHEREAS said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and
WHEREAS the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and
WHEREAS a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and
WHEREAS he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and
WHEREAS a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:
"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen";
and WHEREAS subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.
Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.!
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
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-rollinglaugh-
What is white, lives at the north pole and runs around naked?
A polar bare!
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Who is Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture, of course!
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Why did God create whiskey?
So the Irish wouldn't inherit the earth.
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What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth?
Someday my prints will come…
:29:
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How charming! :72:
What does one do to prevent slices of bacon on the griddle from curling?
Take away their little broomsticks.
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Why did the Mermaid stop wearing seashells?
Because she grew into D shells.
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The Prankster apologizes in advance to all blondes.
A man called his blonde spouse to warn her to be careful on the drive home because someone was going the wrong way on the freeway. "It's far worse than you think," she replied. "Everyone's going the wrong way."
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:97:
How many lawyer jokes are in existence?
Only three. All the rest are true stories.
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Oh yeah? How many true blonde stories are there? Not many. There are very few true blondes. -Silly face-
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."
Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.
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A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a glass of whisky. When the drink arrives the string gulps it down in one go then runs out without paying. Outside the string ruffles itself and ties itself up, then goes back in the bar and orders another whisky. ‘Here!’ says the barman. ‘Aren’t you that piece of string that just ran out without paying?’ The string replies, ‘No, I’m a frayed knot.’
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How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it. -duh-
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A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing
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What do Sprinters eat fro breakfast........?
Nothing they Fast -rollinglaugh-
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One more for the road.
What do you call security guards outside of Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy :clap:
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-rollinglaugh- -rollinglaugh-
Keep going ...you're on a roll.....
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Okay, since we're going the terrible pun route---What did the buffalo say when he sent his calf off to college? Bison.
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What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
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A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200. -loll
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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!
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What grows down, when it grows up?
A: A goose
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I hate to have to tell you thisâ€, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.â€
“That’s terrible!†Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet…
What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!â€
“It’s not exactly a dietâ€, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!â€
I know..... :33:
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Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary?
A: Wrong.
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: He neverlands!
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For Johnny Mac--
What does a dentist get when he gets booted out of Big Brother? A little plaque!
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It is time for some bad holiday humor:
Who brings genetically modified food to little boys and girls all over the world for Christmas?
Monsanta.
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:57: Ahhhhh ! LOL
I've got a knock knock joke;
Do you know why Mozart killed all his chickens?
Because he asked them .."who was the best composer" ..and they said....
"Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach" !!!
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How did the snow woman discourage the snowman's advances?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
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What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam.
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What does one call a munchkin with a bad combover?
A Trumpkin.
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(http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u302/nonpareil_photo/12744610_10153829815106291_3072145504867079077_n.jpg) (http://s171.photobucket.com/user/nonpareil_photo/media/12744610_10153829815106291_3072145504867079077_n.jpg.html)
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Adam was returning home to paradise one night after staying out late with the lion and the tiger.
Eve got angry and yelled at him: "Where were you? Are you seeing another woman?!"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep.
Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.
"What are you doing?", he asked.
"I'm counting your ribs!" she responded.
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(http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u302/nonpareil_photo/b1bc4d7d-25ab-4cb6-84c8-332d7a96a2c5.png) (http://s171.photobucket.com/user/nonpareil_photo/media/b1bc4d7d-25ab-4cb6-84c8-332d7a96a2c5.png.html)
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Q - What do you call an elephant skin doctor?
A - A pachydermatologist
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If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
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What's the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by Whittle < a rump bum> :whoo:
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What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
-snowplop-