Author’s Note: The following post is intended as a sarcastic piece of parody only. Anyone who equates the views and opinions expressed in this piece with those held by the Author must be using some pretty good hallucinogens. If you are a Trump supporter, a satisfied graduate of Trump University or a person who feels the occasional need for a safe space you might wish to take a pass.
A Fan Letter to Donald J. Trump
Donald J. Trump
King of New York and Future President of the United States
Trump Tower
New York, New York
Dear Mr. Donald J. Trump,
I can’t believe I’m talking to Mr. Donald J. Trump! Well, sort of. You are my idol. I am your biggest fan and I would vote for you three or four times if I could. Maybe I should explain a little about that last point.
At present I am ineligible to vote because I am a
con doing an 8-12 stretch in the Federal pen wrongly accused, unjustly convicted man imprisoned in the Federal Correctional facility in Walla Walla, Washington. Let me explain my unfortunate situation. Three years ago I had a great idea
for a scam to build a retirement community on picturesque Bouvet Island. Land is cheap, there’s plenty of privacy and the climate is tolerable if you bring enough electric blankets and space heaters. Anyway, I formed a company and began selling shares to
suckers investors. I had raised about $2 million when the Feds arrested me for alleged securities fraud. Okay, so maybe I did not dot all the i’s and cross all the t’s when it came to technical compliance with those nitpicky securities laws. And maybe the company Rolls Royce and Penthouse condo were a touch extravagant, but I was an honest businessman trying to build a legit business, just like you! Anyway, the Judge was totally biased against me (I think he was a Mexican. O’Toole is Irish-Mexican, isn’t it?) and found me guilty. And that Fox News witch Megyn Kelly did not help any, beating the drum for my conviction. I thought she had taken an extended leave from Fox News after the Republican Presidential debate due to blood loss. She must have had a transfusion or something. Anyway, here I am in a place that is far below my rightful station in life.
My buddies in
Aryan Nation our Caucasian Social Club (CSC) and I watch your rallies on TV every chance we get. We whoop and cheer for just about everything you say and just like you told us, we
beat the crap out of admonish anybody in the TV room who disagrees with you.
It’s worth a few days in solitary just to put those crooked Hillary jerks in the infirmary, sipping food through a straw. Sometimes we are unfairly punished by the guards but it’s worth it just to keep those obnoxious crooked Hillary supporters quiet.
I could not agree more with just about everything you say. For example, take the uneducated. Just like you, I love the uneducated, especially the ones in prison.
I’ve taken those rubes and suckers for just about everything they have at poker. They can’t figure out that I’m cheating. They have been very generous in helping me to defray my expenses while living in prison.
Build that wall! Like you said, Mexico is sending all their bad guys across the border and they are taking good jobs away from hard-working Americans. I speak from personal experience. In my mid-twenties I was a very successful
drug dealer distributor of pharmaceutical products.
Then the Sinaloa Cartel flooded my territory with illegal thugs who put me in the hospital and took over my business. Then a Mexican outfit sent their unlicensed pharmaceutical distributors across the border and into my territory. They competed illegally and drove me out of business. So build that wall, build it high and build it thick. And when you put the door in it can you hang a sign on the door that says “Unlicensed Pharmaceutical Distributors Not Welcome?” Thank you.
A ban on Muslims entering this country? I could not agree more. Anyone who can figure out how to face Mecca five times a day without a map, a compass and a GPS unit does not belong in the US of A. Hell, most of the red-blooded Americans in here cannot get from their cells to the cafeteria without turn by turn directions. And what’s the deal with those burkinis? If they’re worried about sunburn let ‘em use sunblock instead, that’s what I say.
I was a bit worried about your recent “softening” on some issues. But then I figured out what it is----your new campaign manager is slipping Xanax into your daily tortilla bowl. I know you will soon discover this. Then you, Ivanka (did you really used to date her?) and Eric (by the way, does he go through a tube of Brylcreem every morning? You might want to clue him in on mousse.) will assemble in the Boardroom, call in your campaign manager, rip her a new one and then say “You’re fired!,” just like you did to the other campaign managers. I wish I could be there. That would be so cool!
I have to go. Tonight is the weekly poker game and
the uneducated await their fleecing I usually do well. Keep the faith. Remember to pray to the God we both worship—the almighty buck. And don’t let those dishonest media types and namby pamby crooked Hillary supporters get away with the lies they tell about you. I know you will Make America Grate Again!!
Sincerely yours,
Bernie “Slick” Madoff III (Not the original, the grandson. But I do a reasonable impression of him.)
P.S. My new cellmate, Tony “The Sandman,” was a
hitman sanitation engineer for the
Mafia family-owned business that supplied the concrete for Trump Tower. He told me that there are five
stiffs sets of human remains buried in the foundation. He wanted to tell the Feds right away in exchange for a reduced sentence but I persuaded him to hold off until after the election. I’m always looking out for you, Mr. Donald J. Trump.
