The Bachelor Finale…Or Was it?
MP swore off the Bachelor/Bachelorette after being a sucker for far too long for the labile emotions of maturity-arrested seven year olds impersonating adults who fall sadly, hopelessly in love after about 7 to 10 days of dating while knowing that at least one other person is also madly, hopelessly in love after dating the same person for 7 to 10 days and Chris Harrison’s faux but convincing emotional range while he cashes six-figure checks and laughs at the bottomless gullibility of the American viewing public. Then came the finale for Ari’s season and MP was glued to the TV set for three hours. Shame on him!
Setting the stage---first, our seven-year olds, er, adults remaining after surviving a trail littered with the tears and broken hearts of rejected wanna-be brides. Lauren, a pretty blonde, introverted, emotionally-closed woman who Ari miraculously “opened up” after about a week and fell head over heels in love with Prince Charming and dreams about living HEA (happily ever after) and making meal after meal with PC in their very own love nest of a kitchen. Becca, a beautiful brunette with an effusive, outgoing personality who also fell hopelessly in love with PC and dreams of having oodles of kids and living HEA. Then we have PC, er, Ari, the handsome hunk and ex-race car driver who now sells McMansions in reclaimed desert in Arizona. Ari might have the healthiest hair follicles of any 36 year old male ever to walk this earth. Unfortunately, Ari has the personality of a dull butter knife and the charisma of a brick, albeit with a slightly higher IQ. He gave MP the impression of being an AD (amiable dunce). When MP last saw Ari he was confessing on national TV to some truly creepy, stalkerish behavior towards Emily Maynard after she gave him the shoes on the Bachelorette. MP can only assume Emily hired security immediately after the show. Anyway, Ari apparently has recovered (Therapy? Jail?) and is ready to fall in love once again.
And boy, did Ari fall in love! Not with one woman, but with both woman! Mon Dieu! Not only that, but poor Ari, in a couple of gushy, mushy, slushy moments, lost control of his heart and confessed his true love to both women! This broke the Bachelor taboo of never telling the woman you love her B4 the proposal but ABC will never let a silly rule get in the way of good TV. Now we get to the finale.
The first two hours were standard-issue Bachelor-finale stuff. First, each aspiring bride broke bread with Ari’s family in Peru (huh?), held the obligatory three minute soul-baring speed convos with each family member and left with the family’s blessing. Then each had a final date with Ari, the usual mixture of true love confessions and apprehension about “that other beeotch.” For his part, poor Ari came away even more confused than usual. What to do? What to do? Ari experiences the throes of agony as he tries to make a seemingly impossible choice between two women he loves. Whose heart does he break? Or does he just pitch himself over the railing to avoid making a decision? Ari finally decides, gives the disbelieving Lauren the shoes and a shattered heart and proposes to an ecstatic Becca. So, PC and his bride to be ride off into the sunset and live HEA, right? Not so fast, my buzzing bees.
Throughout the first two hours, back in the live ABC studio, ominous clouds begin to build. Before each of the umpteen commercial breaks, Chris Harrison announces that Bachelor will bcast “the first uncut, unedited scene in the history of Reality television” and it will reveal “something that has never happened before on the Bachelor.” Not really, Chris, but MP likes the little guy so he cut him some slack. Finally, Chris has also acknowledged the reality of reality TV that every viewer knows but disregards: Every Reality TV Show ever bcast is a contrived, stage-managed fraud. Chris also trots out a few of the PC bride wanna-bes whose torches were doused by Ari and carry axes to grind of varying sizes. Most give the portentous foreshadow, “if the rumors I have heard are true, then Ari is a heel.” Uh-oh, cue the music. Say it aint so, Ari, say it aint so.
But it is so, as the third hour reveals. First, we have the deliriously happy couple, frolicking and cavorting in various locales, gushing and mushing and slushing and crushing all over each other (PG-rated). But all is not well in Paradise. Ari still has feelings for Lauren. Ut-oh. Ari’s guilt builds until he just has to tell Becca. Double ut-oh.
The final, uncut, unedited scene begins at a nondescript love nest in LA where the couple plans to rendezvous and crush and gush…..never mind. Becca arrives first, missing her PC and anxious to see him, full of overflowing love and joy. Her torch flame is the size of a California forest fire. Ari arrives and Becca runs to him for more mushing and crush….oh Gawd, MP can’t do this anymore. But Ari sits her down on the couch. He needs to talk…cue the music. With two simultaneous cameras running, one on Ari and one on Becca, to make a long story short Ari proceeds to tell Becca about his feelings for Lauren, he can’t go through with the marriage, yadda, yadda, yadda. Becca, flame rapidly shrinking and in a state of shock, disbelief and heartbreak, flees to the bedroom to repack so she can leave. Ari, ever the gallant AD, follows her and tells he that he will leave. Then he stands in the closet, mute, staring at Becca for a while, and then leaves. But wait, Ari returns! (HUH?) Either he wants to torture Becca some more or maybe he feels the need for Becca to console HIM. MP makes allowances for Ari because he is not the brightest bulb on the Xmas tree. Once again, we sit down on the couch. Ari mumbles a few sympathetic but unhelpful things and then gets another case of the mutes. Becca, burying her face into her drawn up knees and crying continuously, repeatedly asks Ari to leave. The fourth request (or so) either seems to penetrate Ari’s dense layer of follicles or he just gets tired of staring at Becca’s knees so he returns to his hearse and motors off into the sunset. We’re done, right? Not so fast, my honey-making homies.
One more live studio segment—Becca comes out for some more self-torture and true confessions! She cried for four straight days in her LA love nest to grieve for her doused torch (MP has heard cry me a river but this sounded like cry me an ocean.) Chris makes the obligatory faux sympathetic comments (he does that really well) and then announces that Becca, along with Ari and Lauren, will return on Tuesday night for another two hours of Becca torture on national TV. Absolutely putrid, disgusting, callous and cruel. MP CAN’T WAIT!
